Self-love is the Greatest Gift You Can Give to the World
The double-edged sword of high performance is that the same drivers contributing to your success often cause you to be your own worst critic.
Many high performers encounter a common challenge: trying to be all things for all people.
Most of your day is spent serving others, whether taking on extra responsibilities at work or running around making sure your family and home are taken care of. You are constantly operating at a high level, and it’s hard to turn it off.
Part of your success is due to your drive, but that same drive involves you putting unrealistically high expectations on yourself. When you fail to meet them, you become overly self-critical. Small mistakes become massive setbacks – at least from your perspective.
To make matters worse, in your quest to do more, you find you are not dedicating enough time to yourself. You feel guilty, as if “me time” is selfish because it takes away from the time you use to show up for others.
This feeds the cycle of self-criticism. You start asking yourself: Why can’t I do it all? What’s wrong with me?
This internal criticism not only erodes your self-love but also increases your stress and risk of burnout (Shahar et al., 2016).
You are not alone:
I’ve felt the same way before, and I still do from time to time.
When I lost my wife to cancer, I had to quickly adapt to life as a solo parent to two pre-teen kids while also managing the grief and trauma and still trying to work.
Not surprisingly, I couldn’t keep up with everything.
Whether it was forgetting a sports photo day or a pajama day at school, every misstep made me feel like I was failing my kids. For some reason, I had the false belief that I should be able to manage competitive sports, school, and work all by myself. To top it all off, asking for help felt like I was burdening my family. I felt like a failure when I couldn’t maintain the same level of attention and focus as I used to.
It took repeatedly hitting a wall and burning out for me to learn one of the most important lessons of my life:
Self-love is the greatest gift you can give to the world.
So, what is this self-love, and how can I get some of it?
To me, self-love is about accepting who you are – your strengths and your faults. It means giving yourself the same grace you would provide others. It’s believing you are enough and knowing you are worthy of happiness and fulfillment. It’s about learning to love who you are at the core of your being.
Ultimately, self-love is simply applying the same amount of compassion, care, and consideration to yourself that you would give to the people closest to you.
Why would you want to be more self-compassionate?
Simple: it offers many benefits, including increased resilience and lower stress levels (Neff, 2011)—something we all want.
How to practice self-love:
Self-love isn’t a “one-and-done” endeavor – it is an ongoing practice. Just like maintaining a healthy relationship, you must continuously nurture yourself. This can be achieved by building and optimizing self-care habits to improve your mental health and well-being.
Here are my top 5 ways to put yourself first so that you can bring your best self forward to the people you love:
1. Say “no” more often:
I put this first because overcommitment is a curse that all high performers deal with. It almost becomes a challenge to see how much you can accomplish, and you say yes to everyone and everything. The problem is, in your desire to not let others down, you let yourself down instead.
The solution is to start saying “no” more often. Say no to extra work, to going out for drinks with friends, or to that extra commitment. Say no to the things that are draining your precious energy. Say no to anything that takes you further from where you want to be.
2. Let go of guilt, shame, or worry about what others think:
This is the natural transition from point #1. You might feel uncomfortable saying no. You believe it is contrary to your nature. You might worry about what other people will think of you. You might be afraid that you will be perceived as unreliable.
The big problem is that overcommitment ultimately leads to increased stress and reduced productivity (Schaufeli et al., 2009).
The thing is, once you start saying “no” more frequently, you free up your time to say “yes” to the things that are truly important – and people will respect you even more. Instead of being reactive with your time, be proactive. Have conviction in the things that are important to you and stick to your values.
3. Tend to your well-being:
Sometimes, in our quest to show up and deliver, we get so caught up with who we are supposed to be that we lose touch with who we really are.
I credit mindfulness (including self-reflection) as the single most important factor in my ability to heal and rebuild my life after losing my wife. Your mental well-being is the foundation upon which every other aspect of your life is built.
Mindfulness is one of the most well-researched tools for reducing stress and increasing self-awareness. Studies show it reduces stress by an average of 38% (Gu et al., 2015).
When was the last time you took some time just for you?
I’m talking about the moments when you don’t have to “do” anything. No deadlines, no goals, no commitments. Just you, your thoughts, and your feelings. Use this time to discover yourself again.
What do you love doing? What brings you joy? What brings you meaning?
Whatever your answers, those activities are not luxuries or guilty pleasures. They are mandatory for your mental and physical well-being. And once you start saying no more frequently, use some of your newfound time to tend to your mental well-being.
The people who care about you will appreciate the difference it makes in your ability to show up.
4. Stop people-pleasing:
If you find yourself being more agreeable than you’d like to be, you might benefit from this one.
I had to learn the hard way how toxic people-pleasing actually is. Not only do you find yourself agreeing to things you don’t believe or don’t want to do, you deprive the other person of the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.
The opposite of people-pleasing is courageous authenticity. Being authentic doesn’t mean disagreeing with everyone. There is tact and strategy involved. However, when you bring your genuine self to every encounter, you enrich the lives of the people around you.
Your beliefs, values, and opinions are valid and important and should be proudly worn. Believe with conviction and act with courage!
5. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend:
We are sometimes our own worst critics, and this most often shows up in the form of negative self-talk. You start talking down to yourself, and you are more demanding of yourself than you would ever be to anyone else.
Practice flipping the script a bit. Because when you apply self-compassion, you will lower your cortisol levels (stress hormone) and increase your resilience and performance under stress (Rockliff et al., 2008).
Be reassuring, supportive, and encouraging. Remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell yourself that you can do it. Use positive self-talk and statements that remind you of how strong, capable, and high-performing you actually are!
What does living with self-love look like?
It took me a long time to love myself after I lost my wife. I felt like I had failed her, I was failing my kids, and I was wracked with guilt for burdening the people closest to me.
What started out as beating myself up for failing to meet my previous standards gradually turned into learning how to love myself again. I had to learn how to let go, forgive myself, and prioritize my needs. Instead of resenting myself for pulling back, I learned how to swallow my pride, ask for help, and focus on building my life back up at MY PACE.
Although I’ll never be back to the same strength, I’ve found grit in unexpected areas. I finally gained the confidence to unapologetically stand up for “ME.” This has allowed me to put my limited energy toward the things that really matter in my life – my kids, my relationships, and my work. Although this is still a work in progress, I’m closer to my family and kids than ever, which has been a hidden blessing.
And that’s what self-love is all about – not trying to be who you once were but embracing who you are now.
Ultimately, self-love means giving yourself permission to say yes to YOU.
Because when you genuinely love yourself, you can confidently live your life the way you choose. You learn to silence the voices of doubt and insecurity, and you choose not to let setbacks define who you are or the value you provide to the world.
It’s not just about you but about the people you can help. When you love yourself, you put energy into what brings you the most meaning and fulfillment. Your values-aligned decisions become powerful drivers because you know that being at your best lets you do more of what you do best.
And that’s what it’s all about. Living a life of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. Living an enriched life lets you enrich the lives of those you care about - because when you love yourself, you have more love to share with the world. And we all know that the world needs it now more than ever.
